After reading this it will become abundantly clear how I feel about Justin Bieber.
In case you can’t get enough of Justin Bieber you will be happy to hear that he is writing a book. This came as a shock to many people including me who didn’t know that he could read let alone write full sentences. I was surprised that he could sing songs with words longer than two syllables. Also if you are happy that there is going to be a book because you are genuinely interested in the contents because you want to know all about his tough struggle to the top then stop reading right now.
I am genuinely interested in the contents of this book. Not because I want to know about his story. I don’t. Really I don’t. There is no story. The whole thing could be told in a thirty second news clip. He posted a video of him singing a song on YouTube and girls thought he was cute so he became famous and got a record deal. That’s it. I just wrote his book in one sentence. Whats the worst part about that. Did he have to upload the video using dial-up. So what? I had dial-up until last year. Feel sorry for me not him.
The reason I’m interested in the contents of this book is because I don’t think there are going to be any contents. It’s going to be one page of writing written by someone else followed by some colour pictures of him taken by someone else for all the girls (and guys who think he’s a girl) to drool over. The book is called “First step 2 forever” by the way. No that isn’t a typo, there actually is a “2” in the title. There is also no “s” on the end of “step”. The book should be called “The only step to 15 minutes of fame” by other people.
There are other things that this book could turn out to be. Toilet paper. Something to put under a wobbly table leg. A coaster. The list goes on.
Of course there are other possible things that might be inside that might make me and all the other 900, 000 people in the Facebook group, laugh. Perhaps there will be something actually written by him that will make no sense whatsoever and leave his fans thinking he’s an idiot. Right now quite a few people do. If you haven’t seen the video of him getting hit in the head with a water bottle i suggest you go and see it now. Right after he gets hit he says “ow. I don’t know why you would do that”. I think he actually is an idiot. Either that or he is a really good actor. Why doesn’t he know why someone would throw stuff at him? They don’t like him. Doesn’t he get it? Obviously not.
Maybe there will be a misprint in the first editions that just sends out a cover and a hundred blank pages. That would be good. I don’t think anyone would notice. Or a first draft with all the editors notes. I think that is highly unlikely. The printers would run out of red ink very fast. Although if he actually wrote it, it would be on a napkin or a pair of womans underwear (size: small or a thong. There would still be lots of empty space) or something like that.
Theres also going to be a movie. I hope he doesn’t play himself. If he did he would be the first person to play themselves in a movie about their life. It would take selfishness and selfcenteredness (I don’t think that’s not a real word but I think you get the idea) to a whole new level.
So to conclude, I’m not looking forward to this book or movie. Every time I hear one of his songs I feel like shoving a pen in my ears so I don’t have to hear the rest of it. On the other hand, I can’t wait for him to hit puberty so his voice changes and he tries to sing “Baby” two and three fifths of an octave lower. Its going to be hilarious.
I look forward to your letters.